Being disabled, there are things I can do and things I can't do. It is often my limitations that lead to embarrassing situations...
Looking at me many people see no less and no more than your average teenage girl. A happy, smiley and often laughing person who is completely normal as far as anyone else is concerned. This is sometimes a big downfall when strangers witness me having moments of difficulty, and has lead to some very embarrassing moments. The worst of these moments are usually out in public, but some can be just explaining things to family or doctors...
Troubles in the Toilet
Considering I have autism I will never be a keen bean when it comes to social interaction. I have the social skills of a monkey eating a banana whilst doing a handstand, and often embarrass myself through things I say or do (more of that to come!)
But the worst moments I have found are when people judge me!
For example, I was visiting a shopping center that is fairly local to me and needed to use the toilet. For this I have my radar key, which is a key that opens every disabled toilet across the UK. An older woman was stood (presumably waiting for a friend or family member who was in the baby changing toilet) watching me as I opened the door with my key. I hate being stared at, because it plays badly on my anxiety and can cause me to go into a meltdown, however I tried my best to just carry on and use the toilet in the hope she would be gone by the time I was done.
Either this lady had purposefully waited for me, or a nuclear explosion had gone on in her friends babies nappy, but when I finished she was still there. She simply stared at me as I came out and I just smiled. A smile is often my nervous reaction to people making me feel uncomfortable. She then started to yell at me about how I had the 'nerve' to use a disabled toilet when I could clearly walk just fine. This was the same lady who had seen me open the toilet door with my key, and had never met me before. She could hold no high ground on judging my life, but I was so embarrassed I just quickly rushed off to find Callum, who was waiting for me outside the toilet area.
Meltdown in Town
Sometimes embarassing myself is not all about other people getting involved. Occasionally I can manage it quite easily all on my own. Having Autism comes with many advantages, such as a crazy personality and a great memory for random facts (such as at any given time 0.7% of the worlds population is drunk, or that a duck's quack cannot echo and no one can figure out why not) but it also has disadvantages. One of these huge disadvantages are meltdowns, and the fact that they can happen ANYWHERE! And when I say anywhere, I have not yet tested space, or Japan (someone please send me money for the ticket... scientific reasons...pffft I don't just really want to go there...) but I can guarantee they happen at the most random of moments. Sometimes I do not even know why :( One awful example was when i was walking to the bus stop after school. I started to panic, for no reason, and pretty soon I had almost ended up in a full blown meltdown with no idea why. I could not solve it, and panicking about the fact I was panicking was just making it so much worse. Lots of tears later, I arrive at the bus stop as a panting mess, probably looking like I was chased down by a lion. I am sure at least 25 people saw me on the way, and with it being my home town it is almost certain most of them knew who I was. I was so embarassed :( Please never judge autistic people if you see them go into meltdown! With that being said, it doesn't always help us to offer us help either as we cannot always make rational decisions and begin to worry at the slightest of things. I am not saying I will start throwing things at you, or think you are trying to get me, but it could easily make things worse for someone who is autistic even if you did it with kind intentions! :(
A not so perfect Party
This one is embarrassing for all the wrong reasons! Lets think back to 2 years ago, at my Nans Birthday. Now, I love her with all my heart and she is a lovely woman, but she did not want any cake. Any rational person would think 'that's fine, leave her', but my brain works slightly differently. I began to analyse all the reasons she HAD to have the cake, finally settling on the perfect thing to say... then I came out with it... "Nan, you HAVE to have some of your birthday cake, you don't know how many birthdays you have left."
Everyone looked at me gobsmacked. My mum seemed like she was either going to faint or die with embarrassment and the rest of the family seemed genuinely concerned for my mental stability. I just looked at my Nan, thinking 'whats everyone's problem, she has to have some cake?'. At the time I didn't really realize that I had basically told my Nan she was super old and could possibly never have another birthday, but by default that was what I had accidentally done. So though at the time I was not embarrassed and saw absolutely nothing wrong with my comment, in hindsight it is fairly embarrassing! Safe to say I won't be forcing any cake onto her again haha!
The first step is admitting you have a problem...
When I met my now fiance Callum, I knew I really really liked him. I wanted to seem 'normal' so that he would like me too, and so I decided that I was not going to tell him about any of my disabilities at first. Then on the way to our first date the car journey was just filled with me blabbering on about my chromosomes, full genetic history and of course the fact I had autism (just in case he had not already guessed that). Honestly, that man could have committed full identify theft with all the information I had given him. In the space of 30 minutes, he knew everything from where I was born and my full family tree to my preferred breed of dog and the result of my last blood test. Me being me, like with my Nan, I did not see anything wrong with this at all at the time. (I guess this is why I was never one for getting the second dates haha!) But not long ago I asked him, "how long did it take me to tell you I was disabled" and he reminded me what I did... That was the point I got embarrassed! That 30 minute car ride would have probably seemed like the ride from hell to absolutely anyone else, but for some reason he did not seem to mind it. I mean, we are now happily engaged and 22 days away from living in our first home together, so girls take some dating advice from the professional here... TELL THEM EVERYTHING! Or on second thoughts, maybe don't do that haha...I just got very lucky! Looking back on this moment, I have no idea why any sane man would want to stay with me after that full briefing on my medical history, but then i realize I haven't got room for a sane man in my life, he has to be just as insane as me! :) Though it is fairly embarrassing knowing I have a worse filter than a Poundland coffee machine would! But that is just the perks of being me :)
So here are just a very select few of my most embarrassing moments, either caused by or about my disability! I hope this has been eye opening into how disabilities can affect us on an emotional level as well as just a physical one. Being who I am is brilliant, but some days are not the best! I still would never change it for the world :)
Somehow I am managing to stick to my blogging! I have now been blogging daily for the past few days and I am actually very proud of myself. I usually forget... hence I have a bit of a failed blog attempt graveyard on my wix account... But I am determined to keep this one going, even if it helps just one other person it will be worth it! <3
Please let me know if there is anything you want me to write a post on, it will really help me with inspiration! Writers block is a real problem sometimes haha!
See you soon,
Tasha! <3
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