Sometimes life isn't easy. Especially adding HNPP and Autism into the mix, but I am who I am and it is about time I learnt to be proud of that young woman and how far she has come!
But who am I?
Being anyone on earth was clearly not meant to be easy. Add in money problems, family issues, and a bundle of disabilities, bad fortune and tough days and you pretty much sum up the life of many people in todays' world. And my life is no exception to this! But there is one HUGE part of who I am, that I have yet to properly share with you on my blog. That is my Autism! People who follow my social media likely already know that I am Autistic, and may have heard these stories before, but I will repeat if for the sake of anyone who may benefit! I really think that Autistic people can learn a lot from each other, and those who are A-typical have loads left to learn about us! :)
A is for...
I would begin this diagnosis story with "it all started when..." like my HNPP story, but there was never really a time we began to notice any symptoms. It was just a case of 'I am who I am' and now I have a label to kind of explain it. Looking back, it has been obvious for the vast majority of my life that I had autism! For example lets look at my experience with education...
Reception I spent this doing very little, after the loss of my Dad. At the end of the year they said 'she will not amount to much'. Year One Most likely in retaliation to the comments made, I learnt all my year 1 and year 2 sight words in just the first two weeks (just to show them wrong!) I spent the rest of the year in the corner of Miss Coopers class making lifesize paper models of 'my dad' (none of which actually looked anything like my dad, and one was even SANTA!) Year Two to Six I spent most of these years trying to make friends. I made one, who was a year 6 child (I was in Year 3) but she moved to australia :( I cried on the sofa for days, and she gave me a lollipop on her last day, I still have the wrapper in my bedroom... #slighthoarder.
Year Seven This year was SCARY! I spent so much time freaking out about everything, and became pretty badly bullied for being noticeably different. I started pretending to be ill to skip school and never really felt wanted. I pretty much hated everything to do with school so tried to just focus on my work and nothing else. Year Eight A teacher called Mrs Ellis was genuinely the only person to show me very much kindness so I spent all of my breaks in her room. We would laugh about almost anything and even had a sunflower growing competition. The other kids all found it weird that my 'best friend' was a teacher, but no one else had the time to really get to know me or understand me. People kept calling me a 'Teachers pet' or taking the mick, but in reality they just didn't understand what was going on.
Year Nine It was about this time I made my first proper friends :) Amy, Eleanor, Kelsey, Leah, and the two Katies! They used to spend their lunches with me in Mrs Ellis' room which I really liked :) Outside was just too noisy for me and I couldn't quite cope with being anywhere other than my own space :) Year 10 and 11 These years were pretty much the same, just with the added stress of GCSEs!! :o Mrs Ellis left to have a baby, and most of the time I just felt really alone as she was the only person I ever told how I truly felt. More than anything I didn't want to be judged.
Year 12 All my friends either left or moved to different classes which sucked. I hated this year. It made me feel pants and I just couldn't cope with the huge changes. I was in and out of hospital constantly for my mental health, and probably missed more time than I was actually there. This was the year I was very nearly expelled from school. I couldn't cope with anything, began to have HUGE meltdowns and even jumped one of the school fences to get out, in a move drew called 'hardcore parkour'. I couldn't deal with the feeling that I was trapped.
Year 13 Because I missed so much of Year 12, I felt like I didn't fit in anymore. Everyone had established friendship groups and I found myself making silly mistakes or not understanding social cues. I got kicked out of pretty much every friend group I attempted to join. I avoided literally everyone and spent my lunches in D1 (The special needs area) or by myself in the library. Anywhere I could hide away really. I had one good friend but I was never the best at keeping friends and ended up really upsetting her :( I think it was because I couldn't deal with all the change or mixing with other people very easily, which she really liked to do! I do miss her a lot and hope she knows I am really sorry and that I never meant anything bad!
But how did I get diagnosed?
It was whilst I was in and out of hospital struggling with mental health in Year 11, that CAHMS did a proper assessment. By this point doctors had been telling us I probably had Autism for years. And so it really came as no surprise. I went to see Dr Beason many times, and after hours of assessments, they officially diagnosed me with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I am high functioning, which means I am not effected by any extreme mental impairments (such as being non-verbal). But even so, Autism affects me on a daily basis.
How does Autism affect me?
It simply makes me who I am! It is hard to say exactly how it effects me, because I have never lived without it, but I am different from someone who doesn't have it....
-I am very sensitive. One word can make me cry!! -I am bad in loud situations, as I start to panic. -I have almost daily panics over what others see as trivial things. -I like my routine to be the same every day, for example my bathroom door needs to be at exactly a 45 degree angle and I have to have a certain amount of hugs, and forehead kisses before bed! I also need to say very specific things, in a certain order. i.e: "Goodnight, see you in a bit, see you later alligator". And if the person I say it to doesn't respond exactly correctly, I have to start again else I will literally be up all night panicking over basically nothing.
The thing is, I also see that these things shouldn't have an effect on me and that I should be able to sleep regardless of words or routines. But I literally can't, which makes it so annoying! This is just a small list of hundreds of little quirks I have :) But they aren't all bad...
-I am really caring and empathetic. -I hate to see others panic so do my best to stop it! -I make funny jokes sometimes aha, other times they are just awful! -I always say things exactly how they are, which I guess is great if you want the truth, but not so good otherwise haha! -I have no filter, I just say what I see!
All in all, being Autistic is what literally shapes me. I don't think people quite realise the massive effect it has on every aspect of our lives. It is not just the meltdown, it is every step in between that we need to take to stay sane. I have used this photo before but it still stands! Please guys, be nice to each other because you cannot see the battles others face beneath their war paint!
I hope by writing this, you can see a bit more of a perspective into just how much being Autistic can impact the education/life of a child and then an adult. And if anyone ever does seem alone, please try to speak to them :) Chances are, they are doing their best to talk to you but just can't overcome that initial fear!
Thank you for reading! I am more than happy to answer any questions through my social media :) Feel free to find me on Facebook or search for my Instagram: @Taschen_Naschen
Love Tasha :) x